I am often asked if I'm worried about the effect travelling will have on our children. It's not the groovy travel that people appear to be worried about. Holidays it seems, are deemed by society to be okay, you know, because everyone does that. The worry I'm meant to have, is the worry about them being psychologically scarred by mine and G's choice to live an expatriate life.
As a girl who couldn't have grown up in a more anchored, middle class, nuclear family, I get it. Our geographical family footprint, is not a traditional one. I understand that moving schools is a stressful thing, making new friends is hard, and returning to Australia each year with the hint of an accent or an unrecognizable pop culture reference, may set you up for the possibility of mockery.
I get it.
There are many things in life though, that may set you up for mockery from those who lack understanding. It's our job as parents to be there for discussion and education when this happens. If the toughest thing my children have had to handle is their over indulged expat lives, I may just need to remind them of that.
How G and I choose to raise our children is exactly that, our choice. And until the children are adults, the jury remains out for those with the concerns. Not for us though, as their parents we've watched them grow, we've had the conversation about travel, talked about the pros and cons, and tried to make the conversation an ongoing one. Is everyone happy where we are? Does anyone want to move home? So far, so good.
Naturally, the children are often perplexed by others ideas of what a "true" Australian is. I know they wonder what it would be like to live in the same place all the time, in the same way that as a child I dreamed of running off with the circus. A child in the country wonders about city life, while a city kid perhaps dreams of a dirt bike or a horse to ride. Grass, greener, always.
What I hope for at the end of all of this, is for children like Maya.
"Everyone seems to have an opinion about our families, but it doesn't seem like anyone is asking the kids how they feel".
I saw Maya Newell on QandA last night (she's at about the 34 minute mark), she was outstanding. When she mentioned her two Mums, all I could think about was how proud those two Mums must have been.
Here's a snippet of the movie Maya is working on.
Families come in many different forms. It is not our role to judge or decide which form they take. We know it takes a village (I have a small village looking after my own children at this very moment) but it's all about helping, supporting and being there in a time of need. It has nothing to do with judging.
*if you would like to pledge support in getting Maya's movie completed, you can do so here
As so many times before Kirsty you have echoed my thoughts. Having just been back for a quick visit to Sydney with my near 14 year old son, I was sure that after hanging out at the beach with some mates, skateboarding with his cousins, being a roadie for one cousin and being in the loving embrace of his Aunties, that he would be unwilling to get back on the plane to Doha. Not at all. Doha is home for the foreseeable for him and for us. Grass, greener, always - too true. Reality is not so kind sometimes......
ReplyDeleteGrass, greener, always!!
ReplyDeleteWe can all only ever have the one childhood experience. Whether that experience is lived in one place or ten, it is the only experience children will know. It is impossible (& pointless to those who try) to judge what would have been best, because the answers will never be known.
Even all the kids sharing a life in a city environment are living different day to day stories. Your kids are living the most amazing life BECAUSE of you & G. it wouldnt matter if it were in South Australia or Canada...their life is wonderful because of the opportunities afforded to them & the love you all share as a family.
I'm the child who has done it all.
ReplyDeleteMy parents have a stable home that I once lived in for my first 5+ years and then for my high school years we ended up in the same house for almost 8 years. I've lived oversea's, in the country, in the city... everywhere. for most of the middle years of my childhood (between 5 and 14) we moved roughly every 2 years. There is no right or wrong way to raise children. The only place that I want to go and live in again is the place that I only got to live in once.
The grass is always greener on the other side, so true.
"Families come in many different forms. It is not our role to judge or decide which form they take." Perfectly put, and needs to be said over and over.
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish we could all stop acting as if there is only one right way to live!
Speaking as an adult TCK, I can say with absolute confidence that I have no regrets about the way I grew up. I didn't know any other way to live, and I considered it normal to change homes, countries, and schools every few years. It wasn't until I was much older (at University) that I really began to understand how different (and, I believe, fortunate) my upbringing had been, and I feel that it has contributed greatly to who I am today. As far as what the 'best' way to bring children up is, I would think that we would all agree on the basics: the child is safe and healthy, warm and fed, the child loves and is loved, the child is secure, the child grows and learns. Exactly how that happens doesn't seem that important to me, and I think that implying that there is only one 'best' way for a child to grow up is as arrogant as thinking that there is only one best language to speak or one best religion to follow. One of the beautiful things about this expat lifestyle is the way that we quickly learn that our way of doing just about anything is not the only way, and that other ways are just as valid. We learn, and we become more humble in the process -two things that all of us can benefit from.
ReplyDeleteA loving childhood can shape us - not scar us. They are secure with you, have experiences and understanding that other children can never imagine. They will know and respect other cultures, religions and skin tones. Their view of the world can only be enriched by that.
ReplyDeleteChildren are scarred if they are unloved, abused, or abandoned. Yours will be fine.
(I worked in Child Protection, and met a lot of scarred children.)
Could not have read your post at a better time. We are at that fork in the road place after 4 fantastic expat years in two different counties, it is decision time for us. My mother guilt, mainly in relation to that classic 'aussie' childhood for our two kids will be the thing that sends us back. Your post made me realise that maybe it is more my fear of how others judge our expat lifestyle that is the problem. However as we have already repatriated 'forever' before kids, I should know that the grass is greener wherever you water it!
ReplyDeleteAs parents, one of our jobs, whether we realised it at the time or not, is to worry. And I think for the vast majority of us, we are making choices as best as we can, being parents as best as we can. We've had some pretty judgemental comments come our way after we decided to move to Ghana, my 'favourite' one being "I just care too much for my kids to put them in a situation like that." Well, our situation, like many expat kids, is seeing the world as residents, not as tourists, of being pushed outside our comfort zones, and knowing always there is a really firm cushion of our immediate family as support. We have grown so much closer as a family since we have been away, our children have matured and now see the world with different eyes. As for long term negative impacts, I'm still happy to place this bet on all our lives. And we've had some pretty 'groovy holidays' to boot. That will be the hardest thing to give up!
ReplyDeleteI'm a third culture kid myself - my parents travelled throughout my childhood, early adulthood. With them I lived in Nigeria, Grand Turk, Thailand, Malawi, Barbados and Thailand again. We've done a little travel ourselves, spending 2 years in Italy (where The Eldest was born), and 3 years in India (where The Boy was born), but we've been back in the UK for 3 years now. I have the other side to tell, I feel that my children are missing out by living here in the UK, I want to travel more, I want to immerse them in other cultures, I want them to experience being a third culture kid, like me. Sadly it looks like this isn't going to happen any time soon! The company are pulling people back rather than pushing them out and The Husband isn't quite prepared to jump ship anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult that spent my entire elementary years in Libya, where we were "forced" to travel for a couple of weeks every so often, (something about Visas) with parents who were convinced that we were only there for a year, or two, or three, or well almost five I can't imagine parents feeling guilty about living abroad. It was fabulous. My brother was in boarding school in Switzerland while we were there. I think my mother felt a bit bad about that sometimes. I assure you, my brother, whose high school field trips involved going to London to see Hair still looks back fondly on those days.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually living in the house I was born in now. I save every penny to "go somewhere new." I don't understand the down side for kids. It was fantastic. My only regret was bailing on my Arabic class all the time (the teacher was a bit um...aggressive) I'd give anything to be fluent in Arabic. I probably should have stuck with the piano too. Other than that. No regrets and I hope Libya gets itself together soon so I can go back.
As someone who is about to have one of those Gayby babies with my partner in the next 8 weeks, the last paragraph of this blog post hits right in the heart.
ReplyDeleteI know we will face some challenges by those who dont support and do like to judge, but throughout our pregnancy (well my partner's pregnancy) we have had support, love & excitement from so many people. In the end our challenge will be to educate and try not to judge those who judge us.