I have spent the entire day 'trying' to write.
The entire day.
I have a total of 1900 words to show for my efforts. I was hoping for around 5,000.
I began at 10.00 am this morning, and it is now 6 pm. Apart from a break to eat lunch, and Skyping with the little travellers, I have pretty much stared at the Scrivener application on my computer screen for the the entire day.
I think I may be going completely mad.
It was all going well until I joined a group of people in a Salsa bar.
"Look, you are pregnant!"
Except it wasn't "look, you are pregnant", it couldn't just be look you are pregnant, because the woman who said it, was Columbian.
There had to be an element of excitement and surprise. You had to be thinking salsa, sex and Gloria from Modern Family.
"Louuuk, you ah pregnant" wasn't right. She wasn't Scottish.
"Ahaaaaaa, loook at chu, you har preegnint" was that offensive?
I moved on, that's what they keep telling me, let it go, come back to it, move on.
And then the Scottish guy walked into the room and asked everyone to take their seats.
I was back there again, in accent hell.
I made a coffee, talked to myself in a Scottish accent for an hour, and returned to the sentence.
"Canee ask that you all be taken your seats"
I knew it wasn't right.
I enlisted a few of my closest Scottish mafiaette around the world.
"I think he would say "Canna ask that you all be takin' yer seats?"
I knew Aileen would be able to help me, bless my flower of Scotland in Jakarta.
But no, my proclaimer in Paris, Shari, came in with a highland fling.
"Canna" it turns out, is not 'Can I', it is 'Can not'. Which is also the same as 'Cannae'.
My head was beginning to hurt.
Between Jakarta, Paris and Aberdeen, my Scotswomen concluded it had to be this:
"Can Ah ask ye all tae tak yer seats?"
Brilliant. Spare kidneys to anyone who may need one in the future. Eternally grateful.
Until a Southern Belle sat next to me at the table, I took one look at her and had only one thought.
Can you be the first American to speak with a Australian accent?
And this is why it takes so long to write a book.