The best conversations come from no-where. You're laying on top of her bed at the end of a long day. You've talked about the green piece of putty that's remained on the ceiling since the day it was thrown just that little bit too high. There are giggles, conversations about Halloween, soccer and choir. You ask about recess and she mentions a group.
"Do you want to be in the group?"
"No. I don't think so, I don't really have the right clothes."
Within the very same split second that you're horrified with the materialism of a ten year old, you're also slightly offended that the wardrobe you've played a part in is deemed unfit.
"What sort of stuff do they wear?"
"Well you know the couch the beagle sleeps on, one has a skirt like that - except without the dog hair".
You both giggle.
"So how do you know you're not in the group?"
"They just don't talk to you when you sit down."
"The girls in the group? How do they choose who's in the group?
"I think you have to have shiny hair, white teeth and dress like it's picture day every day"
Ten.
By the time you're twelve it's a little more sophisticated. You're out to lunch, you've discussed French homework, re-sitting the math test and the book that she's finished last night. A name is mentioned, "and then she said, if you wore make-up you'd be so pretty".
"What did you say?" you asked gently, while contemplating a hit man.
"I just smiled. They say it like they're giving you a compliment".
You admire her perceptiveness.
"You know how gorgeous you are right? You do know that, right?"
"Yes Mum" and there's the eye roll, but it's a good eye roll. A thank you eye roll.
The game has moved to a different location and the rules have changed. You can't organize a play-date, tell everyone to share, and put someone on the naughty step. You no longer listen out to hear if anyone's hurt, you listen in for inflections, clues. You arrive five minutes earlier to pick up at soccer so you can see if she's okay, see who she pairs up with. You watch and wait for the next installment without pushing to hard for the details.
You kiss them goodnight and remind them of your own group.
"We're here, whenever you need us".
"You know you're gorgeous. Right?"
Eye roll.
Owwww......I only have sons, so I have missed a lot of this - at home, at least. I've taught middle and high school for years, and still have to remind myself to put on my 'calm and professional' hat when I see (or sense) that sort of thing going on - in my classroom or outside of it (you can tell what's been going on, if you're paying attention.) I see the few 'chosen' girls who are lucky enough to have the right combination of everything at just the right time, and I want to tell the other 99% that their day will come - it's all there, they're wonderful, they're beautiful, they're smart and funny and amazing - and that the school years are a time when the definitions of what's 'cool' are way too narrow for most people to fit in the parameters. Some days I feel like the most important aspect of my job is just to convey to all of those young people that they *are* ok, and that it will all be ok - really, really, really.
ReplyDeleteHugs to mum and daughter...lovely post, and one close to my heart.
I like your encouragement MsCaroline and I intend to use them with my own 12yo girl if that's okay with you. Thank you.
Delete"the definitions of what's cool are way too narrow for most people to fit in the parameters"
DeleteThank you Caroline. The perfect description.
Lovely - just lovely words.
ReplyDeleteKeep talking is my action at the moment with my tween. Not asking, just talking.
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Oh my, why do I tear up when I read your beautiful words? Because they are beautiful! My little ones are 3 and 5 so this kind of thing is ahead of us.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mary xx
DeleteI watched Ms 12 hand over a "big sis, little sis" matching necklace to her 10 yr old sister yesterday which resulted in a hug in the school playground. You have lots to look forward to.
Having had to make new friends every few years,moving countries, I am still amazed how many ADULT girls behave so badly when in a group. I always explain to my 12 year old that everything she learns about coping with these cliques now will help her find her true friends later and be able to deal with women who behave badly. I have seen women not let other women share their lunch tables at a social function,exclude women and that bitch about them in 'not quite low enough voices' and give the most passive - aggressive 'compliments'. I always giggle to myself and think ' I know exactly the sort of 12 year old you were and isn't it shame you were never taught how to behave properly.'
ReplyDeleteSpot on Melissah. I too have this experience and I too have had the same conversation with my 12yo.
DeleteMy daughter is 6 and it's started already! It makes me feel sad some days and I hope I am giving her the right tools to come out the other side with her sefl esteem entact. My 9 year old son said it all the other day when he commented "I just don't get why girls behave like that!!!" Me either and I am a 'girl'!
ReplyDeleteHere's a quote from a card I saw in a Newsagency:- "We all let people into our lives, but you will find that really good friends let you into your own."
ReplyDeleteI liked it so much I bought the card, even though I have no one to give or send it to.
A smaller-lettered quote on the same card reads:- "friends, whose faith in you could lift you right up out of yourself"
I seem to recall my girls having very little trouble fitting in, being happy enough with friends who weren't part of the "in" crowd.
Beautiful. I've had similar conversations with my (now) 16 year old daughter. They really do listen and take what you say to heart.
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