Step 1. Board an aircraft with four children.
You may have believed you were looking reasonably well put together when you walked out the door, but within moments of take off you will notice you have boogers on your shoulder and a butter menthol stuck to your bum. The cardigan that you were hoping was providing you with a comfortable and well thought out "layered" look, will now be tucked into the back of your jeans, this is a direct result from two of your children playing a game of hide and seek between your legs as you made your way down the isle of the airplane. Remember? That's how you managed to trip and get the coffee stain down the front of your shirt.
Step 2. Hire a people mover.
After you've arrived at the rental car area and perused the vehicles available, you will move your eyes past the sporty convertibles and the sleek sedans and notice that there appears to be a commercial van at the back of the block. This is your car. For the next week you will not only be able to drive the kids to the beach, but you will also be able to deliver the mail and provide a shuttle bus to the supermarket.
Step 3. Find yourself accommodated in an inner city budget motel family room.
The little travelers love a good family room. "This is so much better than a fancy hotel" someone screamed as they trampolined from the fold out bed into the bathroom. I mean what's not to love? Soap that comes in a plastic wrapper, towels the size of bath mats, bath mats the size of hand towels. By the time you return home you'll be happy to dry yourself with a face washer. The sweet luxury of soft toilet paper on a roll rather than a square cardboard box in sheet form. I'm not sure if toilet paper is supposed to rustle.
Three hours into your visit and you will become the first master barista who operates with a white plastic electric kettle and a sachet of instant coffee. With no coffee table in sight there's bound to be spillage but it won't matter, the sea green carpet hides thousands of stories in its multi coloured speckle. How do you know? You can smell them. "I reckon if I look closely I can find a blood stain" giggles G, hinting that there's a more sinister side to the motel. That might explain the bars on the window and the fact that you spoke to the receptionist through a cage when you returned to the motel this evening.
Tonight there was no five star, no glamour, no egyptian cotton sheets. Tonight, there was giggling, and the childhood excitement that comes with the entire family sleeping close enough to hear each other breathe.
Tonight there was extended family, stories and catch ups. Tonight there was pizza in a box, red wine, bubbles, and discussions about art, life, and love.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how rough the toilet paper is.