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I'm here, but I'm not.
I'm not really listening.
I'm consulting google on a regular basis. Mid email, I'll return to the keywords: urethra, diverticulum, recovery, complications. I read everyone's story, and then snap out of it and realize I have no idea how I'll recover. I cannot plan this.
And then I try to plan it.
I count backwards from Christmas day, how many weeks? I look at the school calendar, check the holidays and re-think, re-plan and then replay all of the sentences I can remember. I know she said possibly two operations, but I can't remember what the second one was? I remember my knees shaking, someone telling me to sit down, hearing them say "she needs time to digest this". What did I miss? What didn't I digest? And then I realize I'll have no idea until I go to see the urologist again. "We'll know more after the 22nd". I cannot plan this.
And then I try to plan it.
I have just over three weeks left of our time in Australia, and I'm wasting it. The medicine they gave me is making me nauseous, I can't concentrate, I'm not drinking. I'm not hungry. I can't stop thinking about catheters and driving and stairs and relatives and what it might be like to go to hospital for days without G.
In two days we'll be in Queensland. A change of scenery. There will be no plans, just beach, family, shopping, old friends. I will not google. I will not plan, I will wait. I will not wonder if the Grade 1 concert is held in November and how quickly I can find that out upon arriving back in Doha.
I will try to forget.
I'm here, but I'm not.
Oh - its so hard. I hope that you and the crew have a fab time in Queensland (regardless of its politics ;) On a practical (and someone's probably already told you) note - my mum tries never to go to the Dr by herself these days, she always takes a friend if available and they carry her 'book' where they make notes about what the Dr's say and ask any questions she might not think of at the time. The book is also there for us to phone in questions for so they can be asked next time. Her situation is nothing at all like yours - but thought I would throw it out there anyway.
ReplyDeleteOh Kirsty, I feel for you - three weeks before our move from England to Africa I was told I needed an operation. Words like chemo, growth, treatment were mentioned. It all came right in the end, and having done my endless hours of internet research, at least I knew what questions to ask. It WILL come right for you - "this too shall pass"
ReplyDeleteSo, the current plan is to get the plan later and have a good time in Queensland right now, in spite of the nausea. Do have a good time.
ReplyDeleteSometimes google can make things seem much worse - enjoy Queensland, enjoy school-free time with the kids and that fabulous hubby and you will work it all out when the right time comes :-) PS We have a direct flight to Doha from lovely Lagos - I can be there in 6 hours if help is needed ;-)
ReplyDeleteThere's a fine line between being informed and Googling yourself into a frenzy - I know, because I've crossed that line many times. My doctor back home referred to it as 'cyberchondria.' As difficult as it sounds, try to put this all on the back burner until the 22nd when you will have all the information you need to make thoughtful, informed decisions. In the meantime - stay off of Google!
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace of mind and a clear path.
I am the mum of a 4 wk old and have found Dr Google to not be very helpful.. Not sure where you are headed in QLD but the weather on the Sunny Coast is gorgeous for the next week at least :-) hope you get to enjoy the sunshine :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope you're headed to FNQ because the weather here has been beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHello gorgeous lady. Take comfort and strength from your friends comments and of course your wonderful family. I am thinking of you and hoping your worries will be eased very soon. Big Houston Hugs - N xx :@)
ReplyDeleteKirsty, I have just caught up with this and am horrified for you. Hang in there, champ, we all have faith in you x
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
ReplyDeletegardening helps in tricky times. to get away and connect with something else. i guess that is tricky when you are mobile.
ReplyDelete