I set off this morning with a list of jobs, we have guests arriving next week and I'm doing a few last minute things, you know, like having the spare room painted! I rang G this morning to tell him I hadn't been able to get to the mall as there'd been a fire. As I drove closer to the building I could see they were diverting traffic and had closed the doors.
"Oh yeah, sorry, I should have rang you - I saw the firetrucks and ambulance outside when I was on my way to a meeting". G knew I was heading there - we'd discussed it earlier that morning.
Ten minutes later, as I drove to the next location, it occurred to me that he obviously hadn't pictured me blazing away inside the bedding section of Debenhams.
I would have.
I would have had him burnt to a crisp, me an immediate widow. I would have pictured me answering the door to find someone from the office with their head bowed. "I'm so sorry".
And then I would have started planning.
What would I do? Who would I ring first? Would my parents come here or would it be better if G's parents came? Would the little travelers and I have to leave straight away or would the company let us stay in the house until we got organized. Where would we live? What sort of car would we get? We wouldn't need a big car as they'd only be five of us.
I've done this a thousand times.
Late home from the office? Massive car crash. Take a little longer to whip to the shop for milk? I begin to envisage a guy with the balaclava and a gun madly grabbing clumps of cash from the register while G lays on the floor fighting for his life. If the beagle takes a longer walk than normal in the morning - I just know they've both been left for dead on the side of the road, a terrible hit and run.
Crazy. I know I'm crazy.
I remember reading an article years ago (when I was pregnant) about why pregnancy will make a woman worry more about the death of her partner. It was all about primal instinct - reverting back to our original roles of hunters and gatherers. And although the logic is a perhaps outdated, I get it. We become a little more vulnerable when we're pregnant, we can't run as fast, jump as high, or dodge the wild bear as well as we used to - but I had my last baby five years ago? And I know where the supermarket is.
If I had to, I could hunt and gather on my own. If I had to. I would be stoic and strong. I know - I've thought about it.
Is it possible that someone who lives in a state of change and adjustment, just needs to throw the worst possible scenario her way to feel like she has some control?
How about you? Do you ever think the worst?
I have watched both my younger siblings die before their 50th birthday in the last few years, each leaving a spouse of the same age. My husband is 71; I think about it nearly every day. Seldom reassured about anything, I have shed a gazillion tears since I lost my sister.
ReplyDeleteOh Lynda - awful, awful, awful. I have a little voice in the back of my head that often tells me I have been way too lucky in life, and that at any moment it will all fall apart at the seams. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate every second we get with those we love. xx
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I'm a little relieved that I am not the only one who does this. I have a vivid imaginations & have gone through many scenarios in my head with the exact same questions. 'would we stay here, would we have 2 funerals?' I think you are right & it's has a lot to do with controlling the situation. The 'daydreams' give me a level of control & I feel like I've prepared myself for the worse. Even though common sense tells me I'm am being ridiculous. Thanks for this post, I'm not so weird after all ;)
ReplyDeleteI think about it a lot and a bit like you I run through all the scenarios and possible outcomes. I don't like living in a state of fear with the "what if's" so I really work out what i'd do on a practical level. I think id be ok. I probably worry more about something happening to me with the kids still so young. We talk about it. We have life insurance. We have lost close friends suddenly and to disease- it puts things in harsh perspective. There are no guarantees in life.
ReplyDeleteI lost my ex-s-i-l last year. She had just turned 41 and her neighbor went to check on her since her hubby was out of town and the neighbor hadn't seen her in a few days.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same age now and it scares me to death that something will happen to me or my hubby.
Since, like you, my hubby is the sole hunter for the family, I worry about things. If something ever happens to him how will I survive?( I will survive, I'm a fighter) I haven't worked in 5 yrs and I worry that I won't be able to support myself.
Having worked in recruitment for many years I always feel the need to jump in and tell women that they should never feel they've been out of the workforce for too long. 5 years is nothing to worry about. I don't know what you did in your previous life but I'm willing to bet you've picked up additional skills in the past 5 years that any employer would be lucky to get. I had 6 years away from the office before I went back part-time, that lasted for a few months and then somehow I was full time again for the next couple of years and could barely remember what it was like to be at home.
DeleteYour SIL was 41? That's so young - too young. Thank you for sharing, nice to know I'm not the only worrier. Kx
It's about control I think. When you're so used to change (i am in a small way) planning for everything gives you this probably false confidence that you will be in control, no matter what happens. It may not be true, but I think it helps many people to get through each day x
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your blog, just new here so I thought I would say hi!
ReplyDeleteIt's odd I never used to think about this with my first husband but then again I had fantasies of hitting him in the head with a cast iron frying pan or of pinching the breathing tube at night to his CPAP machine...My new man is someone I actually like this time around so yes, I too have often thought of these things. It worries me for sure as I can't imagine my world without him but I do try hard to keep them far enough in the back of my mind that I don't mother him obsessively about everything!
"I had fantasies of hitting him in the head with a cast iron frying pan" - still giggling.
ReplyDeleteOh Kirsty, WAIT untiil you read my Anxiety book. I'm starting to think you could have co-authored it with me. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteSometimes I do think the worst but it's usually when I'm really tired or stressed out. But I know what you mean. On occasion I get these really way-out worse-case scenario thoughts popping into my head at the strangest moments. They always make me go 'WTF? Why did I just think that?'
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wonder if it's the coping mechanism within that is 'preparing' me for the worst, just in case if ever DID happen.
Does following an ambulance because it's going in the direction of my house count?! (Hubby was left at home cleaning the roof at the time...)
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not the only one here Kirsty. Up until a few years ago I fortunately hardly knew of anyone in my age group that had died, were widowed or were seriously ill. Now, it's way, way to common to hear tragic stories. I think it's a natural reaction to think of your own situation in relation to others. Thankfully the statistics show that we'll be ok - I'll stick with that thank you very much!
x
Yup - and I do the planning as well. In fact I can never have vivid daydreams without ensuring all the practicalities are covered and realistic. Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteOh, I do this all the time, too. Just have to play out the whole scene in my head, to the point where I am surprised when he walks in the door: "What are you doing here? You're dead."
ReplyDeleteGood to know I'm not the only one. My worst though as an expat is: What if I got hit by a truck and my husband is out of town on business? We have no family and only newer friends. The soonest a relative could reach us is 12-24 hours.
ReplyDeleteSo I have started to have some discussions with my young teens. We are formulating a plan. No because it will happen but because they need to know what to do. Just like teaching them how to contact an emergency number.
When my kids are out late at night i have been known to run various scenarios through my head, none of which are pretty. There's always a little piece of me that will worry, and my rational side that reminds me the likelihood of ill-fate is lower than low. Of course I am always relived to see my boys safe in their beds the next morning!
ReplyDeleteTotally with you. I panic regularly. My hugest fear is that my husband will die and our bank account here will be frozen and I'll be kicked out of the house but not have the money to fly away and then.... And some times my husband leaves on a business trip and says, "Call the Swiss embassy first thing if some thing happens." Seriously!? Those are your parting words? I have the embassy number saved in my phone. ..maybe I add it to favorites.
ReplyDeleteYep, me too. When he had to have a heart operation I'd even picked out the townhouse I'd move to with the boys after he died on the operating table! (It had no yard, as I hate gardening.)
ReplyDeleteNow he goes camping and is out of mobile range for days. Think that is good for me.
Except, of course, I now have a party animal teenage son who is never at home.So many sleepless nights - the cycle never ends!
I have done this since I was a child! Mom is late picking me up for ballet class? Could I take all my stuffed animals to my new house where I will live with my new parents? Fast forward 25 years... Husband is late for dinner? I think about how cold my feet will be in bed. And how MAD I will be at him for dying!!! Good thing to know I'm not the only one! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAll the time, and it has certainly picked up in intensity since having my first child two years ago. Now I wonder how I would run away from an attacker carrying both the 2 year old and my 6 week old baby. Crazy stuff.
ReplyDelete